Since I was waiting for my secondary school results, my father registered me for G.C.E. as a backup plan to get into University just in case I didn't pass all my subjects but who am I to complain? This was the one chance I had to leave the house and socialize with normal teenagers instead of spending 24/7 at our "up & coming" church. Every day I looked forward to going to my exam prep classes. Granted I did not say much or talk to anyone really, I thoroughly enjoyed the attention I got from Lawal. My first serious crush & I still did not know how to handle it. Lawal oh Lawal…so handsome… so muscular and... So Muslim! If only my parents knew, they would have me sleeping at that church! He had beautiful skin, dark, with muscles that flexed with every movement he made. I thought maybe I would let him do things that I had only read about in "Mills and Boon" novels. I swooned to him when he started growing a beard oh it took all the strength and energy in me not to run my fingers through it. He looked like a man! He sat next to me in the class & during our breaks he would walk with me and sit with me and talk with me I just yearned & dreamt that one day he would lean over and do something... even rub my “chest” About that my chest, it blossomed into this perfect shape around 5th/6th grade. Everyone in my class had started wearing a sports bras, Me? I was in lace bras!!!
However, I kept praying so hard that my booty would come in, & while I was so focused on getting a booty, I did not get my 1st period till New Years in the 9th Grade (another story for another time). On the bright side, I eventually grew size double D-cups and those became my claim to "fame"
Anyways like I was saying, all I wanted was for Lawal to kiss me and run his manly hand over my "chest". It never happened though but I will tell you what happened instead … ok so I am spending all this time wanting Lawal, but so was Chichi. Chichi was a heck of a lot more comfortable “hanging with guys” which was something I was jealous of. She chit chatted easily with everyone and had a hearty laugh I know this because she laughed at their EVERY joke. Her hair was longer than mine and her skin was a nice lightened brown. She was taller and had made me feel like a "small girl" even though I knew we were about the same age. So here, I am thinking I had this incredible connection with Lawal, but then gradually he was pulling away, no walks together, no talks during lunch, he wasn't sitting next to me anymore ...
Finally, one day between classes, I walked over to where he was standing with the guys and even Chichi was acting as if she was part of the clique. I tapped him on the shoulder and the look in his eyes was different I stuttered, “Oh, umm, just wanted to say hi” “Hi” Someone giggled & I started to walk away he reach for my wrist and I almost melted into a pool. “Hey how far? Don’t be upset” “I’m not upset” Awkward silence. I shifted from one foot to the other. “So…” “Yeah…?” “See the thing is that I just want a little space” The puzzled look on my face must have been a dead give way “I don’t want people thinking that we are like boyfriend and girlfriend”
With the little amount of dignity left in me I responded “No biggie. I get it”
BUT NO, I did not “get it ” all day I kept asking myself what da...? SPACE??? I swear that word “space” will hunt me for the rest of adult life but on that day I kept asking Why? Why? Why? Then I veered into "psycho" ... could there be someONE else? What did I do to trigger this? Was I suddenly unattractive? Needy? I did not know exactly what to do. I swear I did not learn anything that day or the next day or that whole week for that matter (if only my father knew!). Thank GOD I eventually did not need G.C.E. for college but here I was stuck missing Lawal and our love connection.
